Try to stop expecting reasonable behaviour from your spouse when hes in this anxious state. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. No, but I feel like almost every thread, somebody chimes in with an armchair anxiety diagnosis. Lots to see and do. Mom freaked out, but fortunately for me, my Dad was there to help and reassure her AND wed had enough family counseling after my teenage years that I knew how to set boundaries. He does worry about my safety. Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. Its not just a place to go party. Remember the man who wanted his female co-worker to dress like a Little House on the Prairie extra? Those were a big hit. I could care less about gambling and night time shenanigans. This is just.rage-inducingly bonkers. You don't have to fake excitement about every little . He couldnt leave her in a peace for five minutes on her last business trip, and is questioning the companys motives, all while she is the primary breadwinner? Im pretty sure most religious counselors would see the ridiculousness of his position too. The most important part of travelling alone is that your lover is on the same page as you. Is this the only thing he gets so on-edge about? Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. July 1, 2022 Posted by clients prepaid financial services derbyshire; 01 . Since I took the position five years ago, they have sent management on a three-day business trip each year. I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. Vegas does business trips right. my husband has his guy trip (fishing) this year i took a weekend with my mom. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. Would he demand she quit? Unless theyre all really churchy (and the OP didnt say), if any of my previous partners said that, Id give it massive side-eye. Dont defend yourself and dont attack him. A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. First, thank you so much for sharing your insight. A week? You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. It blows my mind that people see this as acceptable behaviour. One of my biggest gripes about Vegas is that most of the hotels wont allow food delivery carriers to deliver to your room. Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. I bet youll have fun. Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. Not everything is an abusive relationship, AAM commentariat. One day was outside. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). is a really good sign! ? and his friends being like yeah man, Vegas is a scummy place for scummy people. Some women even LIVE in Las Vegas! Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. Go on your trip! Thats what tips me toward the prospect that your husband is on the controlling end of the spectrum and not the real bad anxiety end of the spectrum. Clearly it was a biased survey either way, but Im just very curious :P. I can totally see it being true assuming his friends were not also her friends and therefore only ever got his side of the story on anything, so of course they believe him and think shes in the wrong. The timelines even fit perfectly. Yes. The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. OH MY GOD your husband makes me so pissed. Hes my partner, not my parent, not my keeper, and Im still a grown ass adult who gets to decide what I do with my life. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk.. I agree, the posting guidelines specifically ask that we not attempt to diagnose mental issues, it tends to devolve into discussions about theories of mental health and people sharing their mental health stories vs: helping the letter writers. We walk through various casinos and gawk. That sounds like you, AP but the LWs husband sounds like the former. I usually find that veiled anxiety/fear of minorities is at the root of cities are dangerous and scary and you must never go out after dark fears, but rarely is it veiled so thinly. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. This is a case where you cannot cater to his anxiety or insecurity. I spent a lot of the day just wandering around the strip). Security at casinos is greater than that at Fort Knox. *offers you an internet hug*. In either case though, go on the trip. (Im in counseling FWIW, he wont go.) What happens in counseling is that the controlling spouse learns new language to gaslight and manipulate their partner with, and things get worse instead of better. Pricey, but worth it! She doesnt like it when I had lied to her but its alright to lie to me and Im not welcome to come along and stay in a another hotel. And Im sure theres a lot more I dont know about. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). It sounds like theres a lot you two have to work through but if his primary concern is for your personal safety, as other folks have mentioned, Las Vegas is actually pretty safe for a big city. me go. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. Sometimes folks with untreated anxiety hear what they want to hear. My colleagues and I used to parse the bulletins the U.S. Embassy put out about reported crimes against Americans, and so often you could read between the lines of someone trying to cover for a mistake. I have the same problem and have since I was a child. I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. And honestly he would be the first to say that the breaks when Im away, and he can eat PBJ sandwiches for dinner, are refreshing for him too. As Allison said, people travel for work all the time. Having a neutral third party is really useful. hahaha, further confirmation of your choice. Do I Have to Travel with Husband to Visit In-laws? - Mamapedia But not wholesome. Or leave? Meanwhile, there are fewer property crimes in my very small town than there are in hers, and we havent had a murder since the 1990s. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. And thats all the sin city branding is too an advertising campaign to better separate certain demographics of travellers from their money, just like Disneys happiest place on earth branding is an advertising campaign to better separate a different demographic of travellers from their money. Maybe Im wrong. And my husband was completely fine with it. Marriage should be about love, not control. These dudes tend to not understand how little theyre contributing in any significant fashion, and theyre shockedshocked!when the women theyre with realize whats going on and leave them. Iasked ifI could come. Does he worry about you when you go shopping alone, or when you work late at the office? Spiking drinks, assault, kidnapping happen in tiny places as well as large places. I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. And here's what we think . Personally, I think its far more likely that hes just using others or my friends agree as a generic point in his favor without actually having asked them. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. I might go if it were for a show I wanted to see that I couldnt attend anywhere else, or if I had to go for work. ), but she saw danger everywhere. If its my wife is going to a business conference.. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. I also tried talking through some of his wilder concerns. His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. Youve talked about what your husband thinks of the trip, and what you reckon the impact of going and not going would be on your career. I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! If its cultural issues, OP may still benefit from help separating herself emotionally from the baggage her husband is carrying, and learning scripts to counter-act the stuff he has internalized, that is causing friction. One woman I met recently on a week-long work trip said it was the longest time shed been apart from her husband in 15 years. You can always spend less at a Days Inn or Holiday Inn or similar 3-star facility. Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). From the OPs subsequent posts, it sounds like they did agree with the husband, and that shes in an area where thats a more common approach. fractured ending scene; harold bornstein obituary cause of death; can you play volleyball with a torn acl; gambar teguh sugianto. While we were there, her then-husband called and texted her literally every ten minutes. Vegas skeezy rep is about 50 years out of date at this point. Also, in some (not all) work situations, it would be quite weird and out of step for someone to bring their spouse along. And the issue was never me, or our marriage or anything like that, it was entirely a him problem, his anxiety and fear due to an accident we had Christmas eve one year. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. Not everything is anxiety and depression, AAM commentariat. Theres a section in the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, that deals with a spouse like the OPs someone trying to manipulate their spouse away from going on an important business trip. If its a crippling anxiety issue, a solo visit to a therapist and their GP for anxiety meds might be more effective. He even did it the one time I was staying *in a convent*. These are normal things that a lot of people encounter at some point; if your relationship as it currently stands doesnt have room to address them, its past time to get some help to straighten it out. I totally went on a family trip to Vegas when I was like 12 or so, and there was plenty of family friendly stuff to do. When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. I know this is a long-shot, but anyone else think theres a real chance that this is the employee from this thread: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html? They live there with partners and children, even! OPs husbands response is way out of line for a normal response. Counseling is legit, or ask him to come along. My husband got sent there on a business trip as well. Do not sacrifice your career for this. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. Maybe he needs counseling for anxiety. We have tracks and the OTB, there are also lots of easy-to-locate poker games that are semi-legal. as an excuse for his angst. I agree with Allison I think marriage counseling may be a good think to look into. Maybe you set a boundary about content, and tell him you only want to talk about good stuff while youre goneI love you, cant wait to see you is OK, Im so worried youll get drugged, raped, and murdered is too much to put on you while youre focusing on work. She and I have spoken about it, in part because I travel without my husband a lot, including to family stuff. Because someone whos having this kind of anxiety is going to get worse, not better if they do nothing to address the underlying issue. I hate the idea that the LWs husband feels like he has some kind of power to tell his spouse that she cant go on this trip. I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. Hes not Master of the House. *Now having said all that, I 100% agree that the husband is over-reacting*. I played Princess Bride slots for 45 minutes. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. The place is set up for meetings and conferences, has so many airline and flight options, plenty of cabs/Lyfts/Ubers, and staff at the facilities has run into every possible issue that can crop up. So, yeah, count me as baffled by his OMG, VEGAS IS SIN attitude. Theres like 1 hour of down time. What about yourself? OP take care of you first. I love my wife and we bought land and a home. Ive been unattached most of my life, and am in a life partnership now. On every occasion, he made rules like I could never go anywhere alone and I had to call him at a specific time every day. Somehow everyone turns into a sexual predator after dark. I cannot stress how much this letter pisses me off. same. Hah. I ate at the bars of a few nice restaurants. Marriage CounselingDefinitely. This was my impression as well lodging, food, and entertainment is easy to get in Vegas, and (I would imagine) relatively less expensive than, say, a retreat in Napa. Honestly, given his insistence that your company is basically trying to ruin your marriage by sending you on a business trip and the tenor of the conversations hes had with others about allowing you to do your damn job, my gut screams traditionalist underachieving man threatened by successful wife. He could use some time and a space where he could work through these anxieties with a therapist who could help him think of ways to handle them better. Okay, I've been chewing on this for a few weeks. Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. Same! Right!? Business trips (and business trips to Las Vegas even) are such a normal part of work life that is is totally bizarre to expect you not to go simply because of the destination. The thing is, if you go there repeatedly the sheen really does wear off. Fine with me. Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. ), but yes, getting reinforcement on the anxiety (in this case from the friends the husband surveyed) can definitely make things worse. Right. The part about staying on the same team is so, so key, and I hope the OPs husband approaches this as thoughtfully as you have. Shes gone twice now and all they do is drink and gamble! Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. I was also married to this man. This is not helpful to the conversation, but seeing posts like this always remind me of a relationship I got out of many years ago (just 3 months before our wedding date!) I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy?. You just reminded me that a lot of Mormon fundamentalist families live in the suburbs of Vegas because people dont bother polygamist families out there like they do in Utah. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. Thank you, other wise my husband is very supportive. OP, do you think hes more worried for you (someone will spike your drink, youll get kidnapped) or worried about you (youll cheat on him)? But, OP, please take a hard look at your husband and his normal conduct. We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. Thats kind of hilarious because my ex was super upset the first time I went to Utah (current spouses family lives there), because he thought Id let our daughter be kidnapped by polygamists. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. Yes. That shows lack of trust in me, and thats no bueno. Nothing magical about Vegas. The only thing I dont like about this suggestion is the implication that OPs husband can supervise her to make sure shes not cheating. Marriage counseling is good for her so she can express her love for me without sounding like a hypochondriac. Yes. He needs to understand that what happens in their marriage is between them (and their counselors) and not random strangers, acquaintances and friends. oh, and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio.
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