I had no idea it was coming but wasnt extremely surprised by it. I forever feel a strong wave of guilt and are being blamed by his family for not helping him or trying to save him. We feel guilty for not checking sooner although everything written says not our fault I dont know how we get past this. Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. He was blue when I got upstairs and my wife and I tried desperately to revive him with heart massage and mouth to mouth until the ambulance arrived. Michelle July 24, 2020 at 3:19 am Reply. This. My son died by suicide on jan 30,2015. He will always be on my mind. I am reading everything I can find right now about suicide, there is a lot of helpful information out there. It got to the point that every time I knocked their door, She would answer it, And we would quietly hug before we went into the room where her bf was. Ever since Ive been in mental therapy and on meds, and I whenever someone makes a joke about suicide or dying It makes my depression kick in and all the memories of the funeral come back. here seems like a good place to just, i dont know, put it out? After a suicide death, conflict may emerge because: Evidence suggests that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. Maria Lyall June 3, 2016 at 2:14 am Reply, My son took his own life 3months ago at the age of 30. I want answers, but I know I will never get them. We are both a mess. She hid her true feelings very well from her family. I facilitated and lead my brother to run away from home and kill himself. You dont live with someone that long and just stop caring about them. It was going to happen despite every intervention. I deleted it without opening it and 3 weeks later he hung himself. It all happened one year ago exactly. I miss him, but Im so mad at him. Childhood lasts a lifetime. May God help me get through another day as each day is a challenge and no one knows just what his death has done to my soul, Beverly malone July 8, 2016 at 3:45 pm Reply. Lonely Flame January 3, 2021 at 8:10 pm Reply. My son Tony took his life on July 3rd 2018 he was 24 he hung himself in wooded area next to my daughter house he was the baby of the family a amazing young man with a beautiful baby boy Brooklyn he was 16months old he had split with Brooklyn mum the horrific things she said and done killed him because words can kill Ive lost somone so precious Brooklyn lost his dad sister brother all his family friends devastated wee love miss him so much but I have opened support group in Tonys name if a can save one person from feeling so alone well Tony never died in vane sorry for everyones loss to suicide its such a horrendous grief a rollercoaster that you cant get off pain guilt feeling of not going on another day nothing will ever feel good again but Tony wouldnt want this hurt a try my best to go on my mother lost her life to suicide when I was 4 my brother in law lost his life to hanging at 20 you just dont no what someone is feeling inside Tony was a funny happy boy he was no angel but he is now flying high in the Skye God luv him a should have saved him . I wish i could say 22. The article and responses are a great comfort to me. But this website has continued to be my resource. But, my friend told me what happened to her almost a year after she killed herself. The worst thing to ever happen is when my beautiful son did the same thing. I lost my husband to suicide in 2019!! He came to my house the day before to see me for my birthday. Reading this is so surreal and mind blowing that I just feel deep deep sadness that will last forever. To Liz (from post of 10 December 2018), you will see your brother again, of this I am sure. Around 12 things became more difficult. My heart is broken. and I feel like so much guilt like I could never say or do the right thing. It still haunts me. She was always scared to drive so I would take her to work only to have her call me crying sometimes even before I got home. But for all I know he could of had plans to kill me then himself. I think I might have found more solace in a suicide-specific bereavement group. Anonymous January 22, 2020 at 12:16 am Reply. When he pulled the trigger, he took not only himself, but he took me as well. she had a heart condition, and faced w/ the prospect of a shortened life, and a body she hated, she killed herself. Things like You good? or Dont do anything stupid I want to be in a coma. My dad shot himself dec 22 2020. While it affected my life in so many ways, I know today that there was nothing I could have done to save a person who was intent on ending his life. he said he had lost all hope. I also mourn the future that I will never have with him, especially since we were so close to our retirement that had so much promise to be filled with fun adventures. I want give you my contact info some how if you ever need to reach out to anyone and have them listen. Although we do monitor these comments, unless we are directly asked a question or addressed, many times we leave it to other commenters to respond. I have been searching for some support, but I am so confused, I dont know what I need. Danielle March 31, 2021 at 10:39 pm Reply. I had parted ways with my BFF a couple of years ago as she was becoming (more) manipulative and drinking herself into an early grave and I just couldnt be around her anymore. Hes been gone 2 months. Im mad, Im crying all the time, and none of this makes sense at all. I dont want to talk about it yet with friends, I just cant but Im away from family on an overseas vacation until my emergency flight home tomorrow. I cant tell you what this has done to my life for almost 20 years. but thats how powerful (it) is!!! Maybe to make me feel like his death was my fault, or maybe because he knew Id never truly leave him, no matter how bad the arguing got. Once ur gone its keputs. Rational thinking went out the window and autopilot kicks in. A girl from my old high school killed herself yesterday night. Let yourself grieve take your time and dont let anyone tell you whats right and whats not. I totally identify with the pain. All my mom has left is me and shes scared to death something is going to happen to me. It is my faith and my love for my other children that helps me continue. Today, Im about to finish a graphic novel about suicide, intending to sensitize people about the topic. It has taken me 40 years to understand how her taking her life was out of the greatest love for us, not of weakness, nor did she quit on us. So I know he had other things going on that probably had a big affect on his mental health. I can only imagine the pain youre experiencing. No way was that true. One year ago today I was watching tv when i heard the front door open and close. Pam cavanagh October 31, 2019 at 11:57 am. I wish we all could have done more. Linda M Osmon April 4, 2018 at 9:31 pm Reply. And I dont blame him. She didnt know what happened until she ran to him. Michelle, you are right that life is cruel, but remember that your life is a gift, and even though you are in pain, there are people who understand. I feel the counselor didnt do nothing for him I think he they looked at him as more is a cash cow because of the insurance we had and a rather string things along then get down to the nitty-gritty and help. And that changed everything. i have contemplated suicide for at least 20 years, and feel that ive dragged everyone, my wife especially, down a dead end road in terms of my mental health. I had quite a different experience with the same well known geoup you mention. His death has been somewhat of a relief for me, as I no longer have his dark cloud hanging over me. That day was the end of her life on earth and mine too.I mostly just stay in bed and read my daughters last text messages to me begging me to believe her to believe that she was not hearing voices,that people in the neighborhood were really stalking us. He even sent me text messages to say I should pick up. I was not always understanding of him. I think many of her family and friends knew, as well. He was also seriously mentally ill and OP, you are not at fault despite what you feel, Im so sorry for your loss OP but this is rly not your fault. Mental illness is the most insidious because it robs one of their own sense of self. You can recover from this. Now is the time where despite our differences. My mum knows what was written in the suicide letter but will not tell me what was written in it for some reason like she is trying to protect me. I have used your site many, many times as a chaplain and have referred so many other caregivers and bereaved to these helpful resources. Please dont despair. Nobody wants to hear that descriptive phrase. I see every wrong move I made that led to him doing it. I dont know what that means. I still feel like Im in shock a little bit, half expecting him to show up. They note: Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide, they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.. And lately I habe been having visions of her doing it. So, regardless of the circumstances around the death, it is not a given that it will be experienced as traumatic. Unfortunately, the bereaved may vastly overestimate their role and others role (i.e., what family and friends did or didnt do). I dont worry about making others uncomfortable by speaking of my boyfriends suicide by overdose on 3/4/16. I read 8-9 books on death and grief, several ones specifically geared towards the issue of suicide. Her funeral is this coming Saturday. Much love to all and I look forward to hearing about your positive experiences. I will never stop missing him, longing for him. Turn it into something positive, and a way to help yourself and others heal, and share the good times, memories etc with each other. The last time I was home to visit, we went out for food with his girlfriend, where he told me his/their plans, hopes, and visions for what the future held. Im being consumed by it and Im scared of never being able to feel okay again. Grieve your way at your pace! But some days were angry, some were confused, and some we spend the whole day crying and asking why. This to me is how she would want me to act, and I would want her to act this way if it were me who committed suicide. Tomorrow i am burying my brother john 58 years old who took his life by hanging .. hes been desprate for so many years and last straw was 2 months ago when mental health released him ..telling him there was nothing more they could do . I have no words to explain the heartache or pain and I have begged and begged to just wake up and have it all be a cruel joke. And to be another voice/story out there in hopes that it can help someone in some way. Im told the fact that he avoided me was a sign that he cared about me, and wanted to protect me from the pain he caused. I think about him all the time, the finality of it all, just so sad. When I speak about the event, I chose to say He took his own life. because its hard for me to say the S word. May David rest in peace. She left us because there was a create deal of abuse and abandonment in her life. The pain of finding the man I love like that, is indescribable. I was hurting then because he had not been replying my texts or receiving my calls. He also died by a self-inflicted gunshot to his head. It was just too hard for him. He was supposedly intoxicated at the time and beside him they found his bible and three letters to me. It was 11 p.m. so i was confused. I saw her grieve and help her son through grief counseling, but despite her loss, she loved me with a passion and intensity I have never experienced with anybody else..so I have hope and strength from her that I too will someday get past the crushing grief, body aches, chills, trembling, and lack of energy that I suffer now. She never really confided in anyone that much. It took five minutes of trying to calm her down before I realized what she was saying. Dont worry about tomorrow or even later today or what you could have done in the past. I will be thinking of you and your daughter. I cant imagine how his friends from high school are feeling, nor his PARENTS or family Everybody has been incredibly lovely to me, sent me messages of love, or some of the stupidest condolence messages, food, or came to visit me interstate, but I cant help but feel that what Im going through is pretty unique and I feel incredibly lonely. Do it for Rob. Give yourself permission to get professional help. My dad was missing for a little over 6 weeks and we found him in the woods on Thanksgiving. Or, he might have overdosed or gotten beaten to death, drunken in the park. We spent the day together, even attending an Xmas work party. We did some snooping in his room while he was in the hospital. He made work fun and motivated us. Children Learn What They Live By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. My little sister of 22 (2 years younger then myself) shot herself about 2 months ago. It creates a mental confusion, as if my conscious mind can acknowledge the fact that she died, but my subconscious mind is not on the same page, so fresh is the memory of her greeting me after work. Nobody could make me laugh as hard as he could. Im pretty much alone on the property at all times. I blame myself for not taking his telling me that he had thoughts of suicide in a more critical way. They informed me that shortly before 1pm, she stepped in front of a westbound freight train 1.5 miles away from home. Thank you for the love and words of advice, kind stranger. Jeff and I had shared traumas growing up. A memory that replays in my head over and over. Laquita Hughes March 25, 2021 at 10:33 pm Reply, my childhood friend just killed himself and its hard because he tried to visit me a month ago. I looked for nearly 30 minutes before i found him. The day he died, half of myself died with him. I sometimes now have dark thoughts myself and struggle to keep these thoughts at bay just now. He was determined. He didnt commit a crime he was mentally out of it. A beautiful friend of mine took her own life a few years ago due to manic depression. 2 days ago another of my friends took her life. I feel so many emotions, sadness, guilt, confusion but oddly no anger. She was the daughter I never had. He was in another state but we managed to create a loving relationship We were able to be there for his wedding, birth of his children, building his home, Starting his own business. He had been depressed and had emotional problems since he was very young and the problems were never addressed. I couldn't really take it all in. He even told the cops what happened. Bekah December 8, 2020 at 11:23 pm Reply. Letting go doesnt mean forgetting. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Now I dont really get to see the grandkids and she has moved on. Eulalia DePrins August 19, 2018 at 10:45 am Reply. Amelia shongwe November 5, 2019 at 9:07 am Reply. . I wish Id been a better son. I definitely feel isolated. I know he suffered some mental issues from If someone here is thinking about this. After a few years, I am still sad about the loss, but I have become a part of the world again. I never got to meet the young man but I have cried my tears with my daughter for him. He was attended by Hospice and it was socially acceptable. Her husband, family, friends were always on the phone with doctors, therapist, crisis centers and every time they took a step, they would just let her go. I have to walk past the family in the front unit to come and go. That I miss him in a way that he can never understand. I just want him back. She could easily brush off her tears and get back in the game. While everyones journey is unique, numerous patients with paranoid schizophrenia are effectively treated and cured with their mode of treatment. Fast forward to 2018 and I was officially diagnosed bipolar. I only hope that the peace that I know that they have now can be a comfort to you. It helps. I saw her last month, as I live in a different state, and she was giving away her possessions and telling us she was talking to people whod already died. My brother hung himself on Jan 7, 2109, my heart if so filled with grief it is comsuming. Unfortunately, I cannot communicate with you over the phone and cannot provide therapy/advice. I found a wonderful therapist who helped me unsort the complicated mess our lives had become. Take Care! He recently got fired from two jobs due to anger problems and had been drinking heavily. He was so loved. She was just 33 years old. It gives me chills when I think about it. Then there were the unsolicited opinions of others about how my beloved being Selfish Weak, or other things that only enraged me or caused me to become even more isolated, quiet then finally cut myself out of the outside world all together. I promis to you that I will help you . .. Figuring Sh*t Out being one of the books. All the best to you. Sue, Im so very sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. He was so funny And I love him so much. Sure yeah, I looked great but felt lousy. I need no pity , alcoholics are nortorius for blame and shame and I refuse to allow him to make me feel I did anything to cause this it was his decision alone. At first I was uncomfortable answering this question and used to tell half-truths about alcohol abuse and medication overdose, but now Im completely honest with every person that asks me, because I want to do my part to reduce the stigma of suicide. He chose to leave me and the people he loved that day and that has always been the hardest part for me. I detected no problems whatsoever. Scared to death of doctors. She was just so beautiful inside and out that I couldnt imagine her dying when I was looking at her. you cant deny that. I have met so many people who know someone who died by suicide. Stay strong buddy. He had text his dealer the Friday before it happened and never got a reply or phone call back. Yes it does hurt and it does stay with you, it changes everything about the person you once were. I know that no one can help me feel better but myself. Is it normal to feel like shes already dead ? I feel like a shell of a person just here. The right counselor could help to provide a supportive and nonjudgmental place to work through all the complicated experiences and emotions your dealing with. Fortunately I am becoming stronger and aware of my depression. But, this is just so horrific, and the pain is so wrenching that its different, it just is. Julia G. February 8, 2019 at 1:00 am Reply. Meanwhile, his Spirit/Soul is with you everyday, here on Earth. My husband served 20 years defending our country but no help for me now that he is gone. Im so sorry Bobbie you deserved so much better. I feel so sad for him. You may not get the chance to if you wait till tomorrow. I understand the guilt, regret ALL OF IT. I believe that hed have taken his own life much sooner if it hadnt have been for me. So the way it was Lindsey and I would argue ,she would get physical,then we would make up and she would try to hug me, I would pull away and she would be so hurt.I could never explain to her how it made me feel to be pushed,or squeezed or have her hand over my mouth and then her try to hug and kiss and make up.Now I realize that she was only trying to make me stop saying mean things.So it was in this kind of horrible atmosphere that the unthinkable day happened.That day, that horrible day, we were again arguing and she had stood in front of me in a kitchen corner and started saying hit me hit me over and over,I know you want to,I did not want to,I dont even now know where that came from. I see all these comments and understand the shadow of some of the pains. My boyfriend of nine years died by suicide only 7 weeks ago. Another family conference was called. My best friend died to suicide 4/1/19 due to child abuse. I often wonder what I did wrong and why so many others have great support from them. Screaming, shaking. The belief that one cant control or manage their grief reactions. His friend says I followed my instincts and avoided so much pain. Ride those waves and sit in the hurt. February 23, 2013. The police are investigating to find out if it was in fact a suicide or if there was fowplay. i was so busy and overwhelmed that i told him i would see him next time. The obituary of course did not say how he died though so we were clueless. Im so sorry for your loss. She chose to hang herself in the basement of an empty house not to far from my home. He had been living with me after getting in a fight with his girlfriend. Yes, I often want to say he shot himself in the head, but I know that would cause too much distress for the listener. Call around to other churches and ask if any of the facilitators have dealt with suicide. He wanted to either become a computer engineer or a fashion designer,. His parents made me move all my stuff out within 2 weeks. That night he took a whole bottle of Xanax. And I know what your thinking this wasnt your fault but it was. I started to grow a crush on her, and started to knock at his door often, but really it was only to spend time with Her. The last 7 years, these had just gotten worse! There is a terrible rift, emptiness and unspeakable despair left in his place. My husband, a family practice physician, committed suicide in 2015. I had just witnessed my world shatter. I didnt see or talk to my granddaughter in over 2 years,maybe threeshe flipped out at her mother and went to live with some white trashlast time I saw her she was playing volley ball at evergreen- igave her some clothes that i bought for my self but were better suited for heroh God the dtails are for not anywaywe lost touch i couldnt hansle that teenage shit..I was old and very tired. We post a new article to Whats Your Grief about once a week. Youre strong for deciding to live your life finally, and dont let anyones judgment of that affect you. We were really close and I was very involved in seeking help for himIve avoided support groups because of my anxiety, but today was such a difficult day for methat I know its time for counseling and a support group. It's not normal to copy siblings to the degree he did. I have experienced so much loss as I was 14 when I got pregnant and the love of my life died when I was 5 months pregnant. First person I told when lost my virginity. I dont think i will ever get over the shock and i longed to see her beautiful face and wonderful happy personality. Litsa September 2, 2022 at 11:16 pm Reply. On the day after Christmas in 1996, my brother, Michael, called to say that our father had tried to kill himself. He had to move to Poland last year and although we werent together he would video call his son . Be aware of the pain of your family and friends. Both of my brothers killed them selves. His pwn pastor and best friend were concerned and tried to interact with him. It was a Saturday that she took her life and we spent one of the most beautiful day together making each other happy. 1. It was after a couple of months of his manic episode that was more intense than ever. My mom heard me and shouted, asking me what was wrong and I just couldnt speak. I hear that you sometimes blame yourself for his suicide. This is a good sentiment to express when a friend's loved one dies from any cause, including suicide. Is it normal to feel like shes already dead ? I cant imagine how anyone actually close to him feels right now. I had the police track her cell phone, and asked them to have her hospitalized. I hope anyone who has lost someone to bipolar can just know that meds after meds, some get no relief. And I miss him terribly. He would do this alot and sometimes Id think maybe he does not want me in his life.