You will have limited time to think about your past relationship, and you will overcome. I have truly tried to find out who I am. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. Are men and women so different? Look beyond your broken marriage, erase the thoughts of your Ex and concentrate on other matters. He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. With both of us attending 2 of our childrens graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable. Her mom has never recovered, neither have my daughter or myself for that matter. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. As parents of a "broken home," my ex and I know in our hearts that we did as best as we could for as long as we could, but in the end, it didn't work. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. "name": "Is moving on after divorce hard? I have done nothing but cried and act emotionally out of control since I received the summons out of nowhere. I often hear wives say things like: "Sure, he's sorry . trouble sleeping or insomnia. Im so glad to.have found this post and these comments. I do hope this improves with time. Making choices so the kids like you. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. Sam, I find it odd that you dont trust other women but would trust the woman causing your pain and welcome her back. Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. I highly suggest a good therapist to help you. "I think we are done", he says. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. My heart remains unresolved. a loss of appetite. We just arent on the same level. I cannot seem to get a hold of myself. This has sent me spiralling downward as this was something the ex an I had planned to doand spend summers with our grandchildren(eventually). Heres the thing, what hurts the most for me right now is still not having found another love. Mistake #1: Feeling Like a Failure Grand children . Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? In the dream, I'm still married to my ex-husband; we are fighting and he's getting ready to move out. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . A divorce hangover is an ongoing connection with your ex-spouse or former life that keeps you agitated or depressed, unhappy, and stuck in the past. My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. I wish everyone going through this agony only the very best. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, Similar experience for me I met my ex at age 19, he divorced me at age 60 to be with his still-married coworker. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. I had a gnawing feeling when I left him that I was "slitting my own throat" and now I know that is true. He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable something that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. I have tried to date, but it never works out. Not only would they not understand, but they would wonder if it all was just for revenge. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. Thanks for recognizing that. Divorce can be worse than dying. And then the pandemic hit. I thought I was taking forward steps. I wa interested in this website. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont feel terrible. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. I chose to go 100% zero contact, which has helped greatly with moving on. But that fact doesnt erase the sadness of having said I do to a man who is the father of my children, and who became a stranger to me. He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. Ray J . Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit childrens homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. My separation began that same summer after 18 years of marriage. but is still just a imitation of what are family should and would be. Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Not seen ones own child daily especially when very young is so excruciating. Esters comment summed it up beautifully. So much collateral damage. The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. And yes, so much collateral damage. He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. Divorce can be hard on children but, equally, so can watching parents fight and endure a loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids.". Take care of yourself, try to make new friends, & live one day at a time. He was my best friend, husband and mentor. Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful Thank you again for sharing your stories. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. He was my one and only love and there will not be another, whilst he has remarried a girl in SE Asia who is only 25 years old. I am not a bitter woman. Divorce is a complex process that can lead to confusing and painful feelings. I never should have married the guy in the first place, but divorcing him was just horrible. I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. And the Feelings Aren't What I Expected. Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. I do however, fear that my deep deep regret over leaving my husband and the associated guilt will eventually tear us apart. I hope they see that what is good in life can outweigh the hurt of our deepest disappointments. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. The story is almost the same, two wonderful boys and was married for 17 years. The rise of 'gray divorce,' as couples over age 50 split. I was married 30 years and it has been 3 since we separated and 2 since we divorced. Its good to see Im not alone. Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. Thank you for finding those words. This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. It's important to set some achievable goals. But I try to be grateful for all they do for her they live in the same city as my daughter while I am out of state. I identified with your feelings of sadness many years after divorce. But this article said exactly the things that others cannot understand unless theyve experienced it. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! But I wish we never got divorced. Gradually, your feelings on loss will start to be replaced by new things to do, new people to meet and new places to go. When people live together as a husband and wife, they love each other and treasure each moment that they spend. He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. after 5 years the pain I think is worse . I am coming to terms with that but its hard. Good article and I will add to it. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. Which is sad because we still get along, AOL and I. I do wish you peace, as I wish this for everyone in our situation. I lost multiply job. I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. But I still think what I did, in leaving him was the worst thing I've ever done or will ever do and it absolutely breaks my heart. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. Make a bucket list of places and things you want to do and see. Keeping the bed. I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. No tool and not even with time repairs. If you do find yourself feeling depressed, do not feel like you are alone and please seek medical advice immediately. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. I have really enjoyed reading everyones story and I realise now that I am very normal 10 years on. xo, Im so sorry to hear of your sadness. Parent conflict is dangerous to children. I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo. Im just so broken. I love being reminded that we can carry both happy and sad. Meaning, if I could find someone to date, I would be all for it, but since I can'twell then, I say I just don't want to date. I wish for better days. Its very difficult to see a future for myself. But love, sadly, is not always enough when it comes to marriage, and we deal with it in the best way possible. I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . You choose to leave now leave me alone. We have two daughters, one who has special needs that is 24/7 high acuity care, and Im angry. "acceptedAnswer": { It becomes manageable, but thats about it. That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. Its pretty impossible to put into words how I feel after 5 years since our family disintegrated. Theres no going back, only accepting what lies behind & making the best of what is left. I believe that all children need mothers and fathers in their lives. Thank you for this article. Im normal, Its normal to feel happy and sad, gain and loss after so many years. You just have to do the work and know some days you will still feel sadness. After 25 years of marriage, including couples therapy near the end, my husband left, already in a relationship with another woman. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription. But at times, it happens that there are disagreements that come along the way which is hard to cope up with the partner any more. 2. There are several factors that may contribute to the sadness that is coming up for you post-divorce, including how tied your identity is to your ex-partner and whether you've allowed yourself to fully grieve. I never realized you could love to much. Good luck! Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. All the you statements are certainly not appropriate. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. It's not a bad place to be. The betrayal is devastating. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz Its very hard to move on and not think or focus on the should of, would of and could of. Effects of Divorce on Children: 6 to 11 Years Old. The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out the consistent sadness I feel after 7 years. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. This article really resonates with me. Dont accept any blame..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on.